I
thought I was trapped within Marie-Lynn's subconscious, and I hated
to admit it. So, when she asked why I couldn't return, I lied. The
next few nights in reality were dreamless for me. I did not want to
return to the horror that was her subconscious. But for all the
horror that I could have experienced in a lifetime, I could never
find myself tormented as she lay beside me peacefully. On those
nights that I could not sleep, and Marie-Lynn did, I contented myself
with her soft presence. There was something about having her beside
me that made all the problems of life seem so insignificant. Death
didn't matter anymore. Its power was nothing in comparison to the
occasional mumbling of Marie-Lynn. If she hadn't been there, I would
have wandered about through the darkness alone. Instead, I found
myself unwilling to leave her side. All the wandering in the world
could never give me nearly as much solace as lying beside her did in
those few nights. But it was destined to end.
The
morning after those three sleepless nights, Marie-Lynn found me in
the gardens. It was with worried curiosity that she asked, “where'd
you go, Jesse? I don't feel your presence in my world anymore.” She
paused. “I know we don't talk much, but I still miss you.”
I
almost told her the truth right there, but fear held me back. “I
haven't been sleeping well. I'm afraid of dreams.” I hadn't lied
yet. She questioned why. My lie followed. “I'm afraid of losing
grip on reality.”
The
conversation ended with these words, spoken by Marie-Lynn. “I miss
you. Come back.”
It
was then that I started to question whether or not I could go back.
What could I have gone back to? One final moment? One final kiss? Was
it worth it? The correct answer was “yes”. One moment with
Marie-Lynn is worth an eternity of suffering.
Our
second to last decade together began with a hesitant entry. I feared
the imaged that had woken me last and expected to find it staring me
down upon my arrival. But, as I learned that night, the subconscious
is a place without restraint, without borders, and without a set
state of being. When I entered her world, I was greeted by the image
of a vast forest. From its canopy, a great maple tree stuck out to
the sky. The forest looked vibrant and exuberant, but I was afraid of
what might lay within. I looked at my surroundings. The wall was gone
and the Great Expanse stretched out behind me. I thought about
Marie-Lynn's words, and then entered the lush forest.
It
was like entering into a parallel universe, one of gods and a war
between the forces of creation and destruction. My movements no
longer felt my own as I wandered through Marie-Lynn's woods of
apparent sanctuary. Perhaps in one version of our lives we have a
happy ending. Maybe in her subconscious' projection we might have
survived. I followed an old broken sidewalk until it finished
mysteriously before a thick underbrush. I pushed through it and found
myself in a meadow with waist-high grass. It was then that I saw her
in the distance, watching from behind a tree.
“Marie-Lynn?”
I called out as I went towards her. Her hazel eyes flashed with fire,
and the forest was turned to ash. It became almost impossible to see,
but I pressed on. As the ash settled, she came into view. She wore a
long green flowing dress and her auburn hair went down to her belly
button. Marie-Lynn's face was empty of emotion. All of her passion,
her ferocity, and her affection, seemed to be drained from her. My
oldest friend was becoming a stranger to me.
“Marie-Lynn?”
I repeated. She didn't react. I moved towards her in a slow careful
manner. I reached out for her and touched her face. She jumped back
and horror came over her.
“Beware
the child of fire! The wanderer! The coward! He will flee his
responsibilities and lead you to your death! For all the power he has
been given, the coward holds his blade!” her words sounded
prophetic and true. A part of me already understood what would
happen. I took a step back in shock, and then a blade, much like the
one my grandfather had given me, pierced her chest and ended her
life. Marie-Lynn fell to the ground and my mirror image stood behind
her with tears on his cheeks. He burst into flames and I ran. I dove
into the Great Expanse and swam until the other world rescued me.
Marie-Lynn,
my Marie-Lynn, stood on the shore and watched me as I approached. She
greeted me with a worried smile. “You look terrified. What did you
see?”
“Myself.”
I answered as I turned to face the Great Expanse that had become
protection from the uncontrollable. She pressed me for more answers,
but I couldn't give them. Eventually she gave up and left me to stare
across the rescuing ocean.
When
reality took us again, we were forced into each other's presences.
“Things are getting worse here...” She muttered as she stared at
the image of impending war on the television. Her hazel eyes drifted
to meet my cowardly gaze. “Please talk to your grandfather, Jesse.
It's the only chance we've got at a happy ending.”
“My
love,” I said softly as I fought my boiling frustration, “there
is no such thing as a happy ending in this world. We're doomed to
death, to isolation, to the loneliness of our finitude.”
Her
first reaction to my hopeless words was a slap, followed by strong
words. “No wonder your world is closed off. You've lost sight of
the imagination that allowed you to see the world as it truly is.
You've been blinded by your own fear...”
“You
want to know what I saw?” I screamed with teary eyes. “I saw
myself kill you! I stood and watched as my grandfather's blade
pierced your heart! I saw you fall over, revealing my bloody hands!
If this is the way the world looks, then I'd much rather be blind!”
I had
stirred Marie-Lynn's fiery passion. “It's exactly what the world
will look like, Jesse! You will be my murderer unless you do
something!”
“I
love you... Please stop asking me to do this. I can't. Let's just
hide in your unreality! We could still have centuries together that
way!”
But
nothing I could have said would have convinced her to forget our
precarious situation in reality. We were reaching our end. She knew
it, and so did I. An idea occurred to her, one that should have
convinced me to act.
“No!”
She yelled defiantly. “My world is no longer open to you! Get out
of mine and stay out! Reality is your new home!”
-Zero
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