Wanderer's Journal #33

      I call it a revolution, but as I've said before, it was actually a war on the drug trade. There were protests to make the substances legal, which would have allowed for more regulation, but those were only the beginning of it. My grandfather had just come into power, but he was head-strong in his pursuit of a drug-free country. He intensified punishments involving illegal substances, and ordered for the closing of all drug-help institutions. Those who were recovering from previous addictions were rounded up and placed into the country's worst prisons. They started dying from withdrawal. Everyone knew. The people grew furious and no smooth talking could tame them. But not all of this felt distant from me. I was angry as well.

      The whole thing just seemed unnecessary. As tainted as the drug users might have seemed, they were still human. I think he forgot this, for he treated them as one might treat contaminants in water. It was a cleansing he was attempting, but with all of our anger, he would need something far beyond an army. The uprisings began in the capital, and spread all over the country. At first it was peaceful protests, but it quickly turned into riots. Government officials were attacked, kidnapped, and murdered publicly. Some of them turned against him as well. Everything seemed to be falling apart, except for Marie-Lynn and I.

      With all of the chaos surrounding us, our lives should have been more affected, but our firm grasp on the unreal kept us vibrant. My world had long been abandoned, leaving my people, my creations, to continue without guidance from a higher being. From night to night, provided that I could sleep, I would join Marie-Lynn in her world. It is foolish to say that we never fought. Somehow when we did, the beauty and tranquillity of her world was amplified, although I was not always welcome. When I was, I would wander along the Great Expanse, as we called it. It was the sublime ocean of her imagination. In times of strife, it was always smooth, except for the raging storm in the distance that tore through the sky and sea relentlessly. The shore consisted of grass instead of sand because Marie-Lynn did not care for the shifting sands. The grass along the shore was soft on my feet and was always far greener than the other side. While I wandered the outskirts, Marie-Lynn stayed inland, in the meadows and gardens of unreality, avoiding our meeting. But I wandered along the sea as if I yearned to brave it on a boat to explore the world beyond even Marie-Lynn's consciousness. I imagined that my world possessed the same, but it was beyond me.

      One day though, I grew tired of wandering. With all of my decades wandering the outer-reaches of her known world, this was the first I felt tired. By the Great Expanse I sat and pondered the change in my own condition. But I was overwhelmed by the serenity of that day. My eyes could see as far as they ever could, but they still found nothing on the horizon. She was beyond me, and the storms had calmed. I could have returned to her, but I wished to swim into her depths. Respect kept me rooted. The decade passed with little change, except for night and day.

      The next morning, we were far from silent. “I thought you might have returned.” Her first words to me in over ten years were soft.

      “Have you ever wondered what lay beyond the Great Expanse?” I replied, with my eyes still fixed on the unworldly distance.

      “I'm afraid of it. It's beyond my control. We could get lost forever in it.”

      “Then let's get lost together!” I breathed life into the idea, but the breath soon found its end in Marie-Lynn's disagreement.

      “If that's your form of proposing, I'm disappointed. If you want to go beyond so much, do it in your own world.” I had not wanted it to end there, but the flame-haired woman had seared the bridge to the other side. I never ceased my yearning to explore a world beyond our control. We could change our worlds as we imagined, and yet, the mystical beauty was lacking. For all our powers to create, it cannot create the magical nature of beauty. I knew that it lay across the Great Expanse.

      I returned to Marie-Lynn that night with a yearning to create. But I cared not for imagining it into unreality. No, I wanted to know the labour. Marie-Lynn moved the earth so that the land I would create upon overlooked the Great Expanse. I knew that it was so that we may view the mystic beauty of the independent ocean.

      Marie-Lynn and I got to work. From a tree that repeatedly regrew, we collected mounds of lumber that we carried to the peak ourselves. As I formed the logs into planks, tools, and the like, Marie-Lynn dug through the earth in search of metals we might also use. It took us nearly the full decade in order to complete the little house. It was all of one room that could fit a single bed, a small table, and two accompanying chairs. While it was not very large and was incredibly basic in construction, it felt like a home for us. For all our minds could create, it could not force a bond upon the created and the creator.

      I had ceased my wandering, but time dictated that soon I would begin again.

-Zero

Wanderer's Journal #32

       “At first, I wanted to escape reality. I wanted you there, and I wanted it to be back to how it was before. I made it into radiant colors, all of it, but that didn't help. I filled the silence with music, but the emptiness grew when I tried to fight it. The more I tried to escape it, the more it caught up. Eventually I gave up, and found the world creating itself in this image. I knew what I had to do.” Marie-Lynn paused. “It was torment to live in this house alone at first. His pictures only reminded me of the day he died. Sometimes I saw him, but I knew I was creating him. In time, he faded completely. I guess it was like running. At first it's hard, but with time it becomes easier and more natural. During the ninth year, I began wandering. I wasn't sure why. I just wanted to. I followed a path, any path, and never stopped. I felt adventurous, and almost found you before I woke up. I know it sounds surprising. You look confused. Well I'll tell you how I found that fire of yours. It burned into the sky like a tower to Heaven. I did not recognize it at first, but I tried to calm it down. I couldn't affect it in the slightest. Nothing that I did changed it. Its yellow-orange flames owned my sky. And then, I touched it. I woke up immediately as the fire consumed me. Jesse, do you know how I knew it was you? You were holding me and your skin felt like fire against mine. What's wrong? You look upset?”

       “It all seems too easy for me. I go looking for you, you find me, and then I come to your wedding, only to find out your fiance died on the way. Then you bring me here, fall asleep, and wake up seemingly better than ever. It's unbelievable. It's so...” I did not want to finish the thought.

       “It's so unreal, isn't it? You know, without that world you taught me to make, this might have been realistic. But I tasted reality, and it's so frustrating how powerless it makes you feel. It's as if I can't do anything. I'm not like you. I can't travel wherever whenever I want. I don't get most of what I want. Why do we value reality? Because it precedes us and will out-live us? No matter what we do, everything will be destroyed in time. Wouldn't you rather centuries of happiness than a lifetime of misery? Wouldn't you trade this world for your own?” I was conflicted. The Marie-Lynn who had left was not the same as the one who returned. They contradicted each other, and I had no idea which to listen to. I suppose I've already revealed which I came to side with.

       “I can't live in eternal happiness, Marie-Lynn. Before you and before Kim, I didn't even know what it meant to suffer. I was always content without understanding what exactly I had. A high mark on a quiz for a struggling student means a lot more than a high mark for a student who does so without trouble. I could have been a rock with a consciousness because I could not feel happiness or sadness. As much as I love you, and as much as you've shown me plenty of suffering, I don't want to let that go. There are types of suffering you may never be able to show me. You and Kim taught me heartbreak, but I know there is so much more to than the world than that. You know these things, and I want to learn them first hand. My world is sealed off. But I won't say anything against you living in your world. Maybe I'll join you from time to time. How does that sound?”

       “It sounds like a deal.” We shook hands on it from across the table. It was always nice to meet her skin. Marie-Lynn, being her unpredictable self, did not let go once the deal was sealed. Her hazel eyes would not leave mine alone, and I felt a yearning, both hers and mine. Simultaneously we tugged at each other's arms, taking aim as we came together, and making a mess of things. Our lips pressed with a passion only timeless lovers could know. I wonder if she would have chosen differently if she had known her future with me.

       When we pulled apart, we were utterly in love with the future that we would never have. My hands were stained with the blood that had not yet flowed. I could not see it then, but now it is all I can see. The ink I write with is best described as stolen from the injured.

       It is hard to relate what followed that kiss without a thick veil of nostalgia covering it. But this is my final duty, and so I will continue. We were secret lovers for six months, and then we began dating as if those six months had never existed. We still received comments about the quick nature of our relationship. My parents even expressed a worry that surrounded the idea that I was being manipulated by Marie-Lynn. Sometimes, in the nights we spent apart, I began to believe these comments. I was horribly torn between what I thought was true and what my parents thought was true. As bad as this was, her glowing smile always sent it away. Not all my worries went away around her, though. Her first departure haunted me with dreadfully good timing. It always struck when she did not wish to share her thoughts. I loved being wrong. Another six months passed and I moved in with her. Once again, there was an abundance of remarks regarding the speed of our relationship, but we had gotten used to them by that point. We even started laughing in response, knowing that we had spent more time together than any of them had spent living. We knew more about each other than they did themselves. And yet, Marie-Lynn still did things I could not predict. And, of course, I still evaded her understanding. All of eternity could never make two people fully and completely understand each other. Otherwise, her grave would not lie next to me.

       It is strange to place that entire year into a simple paragraph. For all that happened, from the fights to the bedroom, all I could say is hardly worth a short story. The days we spent together, experiencing reality as best we could, were often followed by decades of dream-wandering. There was a lot of talking and a lot of silence. Sometimes we would not talk for days. Other times, we would spend weeks inseparable from each other. In hindsight, it was uninterrupted bliss.

       That is, until the revolution began.

-Zero

Escapism (Poem)

Every photograph,

Of any place,

Seems a world of its own,

And the viewing

Brings it to life.

I feel the worlds

As they come to life.

A split-second and I'm there,

Amongst the trees,

Or along old stone streets.

Every viewing

Makes my heart swell,

But not with the urge to leave.

I feel the adventure,

As if I am already there.

The escapist dreams of leaving,

The adventurer has already left.

-Zero

My First February (poem)

It is temporary,

The way you speak to me.

Our last kiss,

Might it be the last?

The uncertain structure

Of this poem, our relationship.

You've loved my words,

But you left it there,

To rot in sickly beer,

Alcohol to drown my sorrows.

Remember our first party,

Where I showed control, maturity,

Happiness, no wish to die by poison,

To take care of those without.

I believe I loved you,

You, my flame-haired
Girl. 

Let us meet!

Oh,

I can't make it!

I've hated your words,

And should have left it there,

To sink deeper into contradiction.

When we met,

It was magic,

Like sparkling fairy dust,

Like a dream come to light,

The uncanny click.

Conjure the beast,

Le loup-garou,

The hidden war,

The tormenting threat on your life.

Not even a good story.

Br-

No, I can't speak your name.

If I do,

Then I trap myself,

Stop this from extending beyond you.

Past love,

Of cold winter nights,

Lost wallets,

And hard-headed determination,

Although we may never speak again,

Let

Your

Soul

Run

Wild.

-Zero