Hiding in beauty (poem)

The truth was ever my enemy

a creeping monster with shining fangs

prowling around the night

so I made you my hiding place, 

a home it could not enter

though its claws scratched at the walls.

Like a fool, I put everything on you

our beautiful love the foundation

that kept that horrible beast at bay.

But I could still hear its howls

though I pretended not to understand,

the walls started to feel like paper.

A moment of doubt:

it all came crashing down

as my beautiful lie was ripped apart.

The rubble around you was a confession:

I had invited this ruin–

I could not promise peace.

And so, clutching your weeping heart,

you fled from me into the woods

your fiery and fearful silence kept me from following,

though I would call out over and over again

trying to apologize for my doubts.

A mournful silence would have been better.

-Zero

These Autumn Nights (Odd Notes)

Nights like this bring me back through all the years. Old memories are shrouded in song – some, nights I'd rather didn't happen. Most nights it felt like you and I were chasing the full moon's magic. We never got it. All we caught were tricks and fantasies, smoke and mirrors about to be blown away.

 -Zero

hope i'm not tired of rebuilding (poem)

I didn't mean to be gone so long
I could say life got in the way
as if the only road home was closed
but it just feels like an excuse. 

I never let you slip my mind
but thoughts can only go so far:
there was fuel in the tank
I just had to drive back home.

I've got my foot in the door now
its hinges are rusted and stuck
but I'll keep pushing till it opens–
until I fall in love with you again. 

-Zero

The End of Echoes (poem)

She stood by the door
drink in her hand, focused on the future
while I walked in, haunted by the past. 

How do we deal with familiar faces
that belong to unfamiliar people?
echoes of the past, but so much more... 

I cling to a fading past
what importance do you have
a decade after it all tumbled down? 

Would it be arrogant or foolish
to let your memory be overwritten–
to put an end to the echoing? 

-Zero

Ramblings of a 30th NaNo (non-fiction)

 The eve of August looms on the horizon, and here I am with my first post of the month, the first post in over a month. There is a reason for that, I'm sure, though it's mostly because I've been busy with moving, and then Camp NaNo. I've been working on "The Beginning of the End" that old novel of mine I seem to be unable to finish, though I've gotten desperately close to the end of another draft, one of the last I think. 

It was a strange realization earlier when I completed my word count for NaNo this month to see that it was my 30th NaNo since I began almost a decade ago now. It's become almost routine, the three months a year I do it. Year by year, the achievement has felt less and less impressive, yet I never stopped. With an average of 50,000 words per NaNo, those 30 times equals a million and a half words over the past ten years for NaNo alone. I really do talk incessantly, don't I?

With all that being said, I did want to commemorate the occasion at least a little, hence this post. Life has changed, time weaving in ways I struggle to hold onto. The situation of the world has made it stranger than adulthood usually is. Sometimes it feels like there's not enough time for anything, while other times, I find myself realizing that I've simply wasted it in being tired. Sometimes I have time at work to ponder poetic thoughts, other times it's all step by step.

Yet through it all, I manage to continue my march during NaNo. I find those precious moments between tasks, those moments between seconds, to bring my story to life. Though I am unsure of some of the choices I've made, whether the path the story walks is the right one, I press on regardless. It's better to fail in attempts than give up entirely.

But I am rambling (as I am likely to do). Let this post mark another end, another step on the path that no one yet knows the destination of. 

Until next time,

-Zero

it just feels so soon (poem)

We weren't even drunk,
I don't think,
but the night was loud and warm
and I needed to feel something good.

Our lips locked in isolation,
it felt like a mistake:
did you think I was someone else?
How did we end up here?

I unwillingly pulled myself away
from what we so desperately wanted.
Hurt enveloped your once-soft gaze
and you stormed out of our sanctuary.

I couldn't bear to say why –
that my heart was shattered on the floor
only a few hours before we met.
It just felt so soon.

-Zero

I insist I still see the ghosts (poem)

I still see the ghosts
feel their gaze from the walls
they possess every little thing
a cup of tea is never just that
every notebook screams at me
I'd beg for a way out
but I don't think there is one

-Zero

just a lightning strike (poem)

we were a lightning strike
through the storm we shined
illuminating the shrouded world
but without the storm we're nothing
reduced to a rumbling memory
and whatever we managed to destroy

every storm passes, fades, exhausted
but I clung tight to the moment
tried to force it into a lifetime
just to be shattered by the thunder;
only pictures and memories can hold lightning
our image captured before we vanished
the next moment it's gone forever
and all we can do is move on.

-Zero

if I pass (poem)

toss me into the fire
return me to the dirt that fed me
to the flames that forged my soul
and led me through a dark wood

though I go, I'll remain
in every spark and flame

-Zero

when you go quiet, I hate myself (poem)

sitting in a running car
blinker on, waiting to turn
there's nothing special about this moment
but the silence is uneasy
did I forget to pack our love?

taking a walk up the suburban hill
my heart racing, mind panicking
why do you feel so far away
your words ring like empty echoes
as I'm swallowed by vicious spirals

talking incessantly to salvage us
clothed in guilt and self-loathing
as if my hands are stained with blood
some lives can't be saved
I don't want to lose another.

-Zero