The Last Letters

     Toby,

     I'm sorry. You deserved so much better than anything I could have given you. I'm a fuck-up and I always have been. You're the only person besides my mother who has looked at me like I am an oasis in the middle of a desert. But you're both wrong. I'm nothing and you should have never loved me. You and I both knew eventually this would happen. I spent half my time slowly killing myself. And I know if you're reading this that I succeeded.

     I want you to know that I love you so much. I know it was always a pain to get me to say it, but that's because I didn't want you to get too attached. You're amazing and deserve the best the world could offer. And yet you chose me when you should have left. I never did understand why. Every time I asked, you would just scoff, kiss me, and say, “if only you knew how amazing you really are.” I hope now you realize that I was right, that I was a lost cause and not worth your love. You should just forget about me. I'm not worth your grief...

     Love,

               Lily

     Dear Lily,

     I found your letter a couple hours ago. You've been gone for a year now and it took everything in me to finally go through your things. Imagine my surprise when I found a letter addressed to me in an envelope marked “to be opened in case of death.” That letter is the last of your words I have from you, and it's filled with self-loathing. And I know you'll never read these words, not unless you're watching down on me from some sort of afterlife. But I still have to write them. I can't let you have the last word on this. Not this time.

     I wish you could understand how great you truly were. You were a drug addict, sure, without many prospects. You had a short fuse and bad spending habits. Worst of all, you never gave yourself a sliver of hope. You were set on the idea that you were worthless and there was no way to change that. But the truth remains that you had inherent worth and there was a way out.

     I guess I never got through to you. I wanted to replace the face you saw in the mirror with the face I saw when you would look at your little brother, or when you would talk about your mother. I wish you could have seen the light that poured out of you when you were sober and singing to your heart's content. You spoke like all you were was your worst, but the truth is that even I saw you at your best, as rare as it was. If you had believed me, maybe we'd both be alive and happy.

     I chose you because I could see through your suffering to the wonderful woman trapped within. I stayed because I could see her trying to get out and she needed help. But most of all, I stayed because I sincerely and truly do love you, and loving someone means sticking with them through the ups and downs. Love is an act, a choice, and I will never regret choosing you.

     The time we shared was wrought with struggles. Sometimes my frustration with your addiction would cause us to fight, and sometimes you would disappear for days on end chasing whatever high you could find. But I want you to know that I am forever grateful for the time that I spent with you. You were, you are, far from a waste of time. I just wish that I had more time with you.

     Lily, I miss you. I miss how you used to steal the blankets, and how sometimes you would kick me awake in your sleep. I miss the way you clung to your energy drink during a long day. I miss so many things. But most of all, I miss your voice. The world feels so empty without you in it...

     I could write for years to you, but these papers are already stained with enough tears and I can barely see anymore. I will always love you, and I will never forget you... Goodbye, Lily...

     Love,

               Toby.

Toby's Poem Written Before the Letter 

-Zero

The Way She Looks at Him (poem)

He doesn't see it,

he doesn't understand it,

but if he did,

he would know what loves looks like.

He would see her softness,

like the morning sun's light on his skin.

He would feel her smile

shining through all his memories.

The way she looks at him says,

“if my heart was a house,

you would be home,

now and forever.”

And maybe one day he'll see it,

when he grows older

and the world weighs him down,

the way she looks at him.

-Zero

Lover to Weapon (poem)

You're a weapon

I use against myself.

You're justification

for my greatest fear:

That I'm not enough,

no matter how hard I try,

ultimately I'll fail

because I lack the virtue.

I loved you,

and you loved me,

but we collapsed

like a house on stilts.

I couldn't keep it together,

too many broken supports,

too much weight on my back.

I was too weak.

So it all fell apart,

and you left me

there alone in the ruins,

trying to pick up the pieces.

-Zero

Your Sheer Beauty (poem)

When I met you,

I would have written of your sheer beauty,

the shining of your smile,

and the shades of brown in your eyes.

I could have gotten lost in it,

fallen in love with it,

found a novel in it,

that endless sheer beauty.

We were lucky though,

I did not kidnap your image

and hold it prisoner

as I committed violence against you.

I did not strip you down

until you were nothing but beautiful,

only to rewrite your character

and force you into its mold.

I did not murder your humanity,

fill you with paranoid fear,

or had my way with you,

only to call it undying love.

When I met you,

I could have written of your sheer beauty.

Thank the divine I didn't.

No one should suffer such insane violence.

-Zero

The Force of the Howling Winds (poem)

Tonight the wind howls

as it blows endlessly all around.

Its force makes me shake

just like my bedroom window.

And just like my bedroom window,

I stand resilient but unstable.

I'm thin but functional,

yet a strong enough gust could shatter me.

And I wonder how long I'll last,

before I give into the howling winds,

because that much seems inevitable.

Nothing lasts forever.

Tonight all I can do is wait

and hope I can keep it together,

if not for myself,

then for whoever is hiding behind me.

-Zero

A New Year's Kiss (poem)

Magic falls from the sky

in starry white specks,

landing on the rainbow lights

wrapped around the tranquil pines.

You arrive cold and shining,

magic on your coat,

in your black hair,

sparkling in your gingerbread eyes.

I take your coat

as you run for the kettle:

“want hot chocolate?”

you say as you prepare two mugs.

“It's almost midnight,

and I forgot the mistletoe.”

I confess as you dim the lights,

the candles warming the darkness.

The seconds tick by,

slowing as anticipation rises,

the year ending so suddenly,

the birth of something new.

You take my hand

as the last seconds pass.

I pull you in close,

and our lips meet in between.

-Zero