I've had a lot on my mind recently. So much has happened this summer alone, both personally in me and in the world at large. I've found myself constantly thinking on these things, and many times have I taken a pen to paper and scribbled something out in hopes of being able to post it, only to find myself incapable. So much has happened. From Trump to the shooting in Orlando, to the Brock Turner case, to the shooting of a black therapist while he was lying on the ground with his hands in the air, to a man of color getting beaten nearly to death (only to die in the hospital later) by police here in Ottawa, to the vicious attacks online against the stars of the new Ghostbusters but most noticeably to Leslie Jones, to a prominent American Christian making an argument why Trump is the morally good choice in the upcoming election... All the while, I've struggled with personal issues like loneliness, heartbreak, and letting go of the place I called home for so long.
I have thought hours upon hours on these things. I've written poems and unfinished non-fiction pieces to only be left untouched and hidden away from the world. It all just feels so big, so beyond my capabilities. How could I ever grasp the horror and sorrow of the shooting? How can I even know if in these writings I'm really just perpetuating some oppressive behaviour? And I've wanted to say so much, to do so much. But instead I've fallen to silence, to inaction. After all, what could I do?
But I feel the Flames burning within me, that call to courage, that call to battle, and I know I have to answer it. Otherwise, I know I could never call myself faithful, or say I have hope, or that I am truly loving. Because if I don't answer this call, all that I have falls away to nothing. Because if I had love, I could not stand by idly while injustice happens. If I had courage, I would have the strength to act. If I had faith, I would have the undying devotion to these things. If I had hope, then I would never give up as defeat is never permanent.
But the temptation to fall into cynicism and pessimism is strong, especially for anyone who decides to actively follow the events of the world. It seems as if everything is falling apart all around us. People are treating each other horribly everywhere and it seems to be a part of the human condition.
I was once cynical and hopeless about the state of humanity. In some sick way, I enjoyed hearing about the terrible horrors of the world because all I could do was revel in its misery. But deep down, it pained me deeply to see so much pain and injustice in the world. Cynicism was my shield against the pain of our reality, but it came at a price. I became indifferent to others, indifferent to myself. After all, if humanity is evil, doomed, or what have you, then if I betray others and perform evil acts, I am only acting in my inherent nature. I didn't have to care anymore.
But the worst of it was that I was willing to watch the world burn, myself included. I had accepted it, even. I wouldn't have fought it. I would have called it inevitable and laughed and mocked all those who tried to. It's almost funny to see now that climate change could very well do just that, that it's not just a war between nations, but a literal battle for survival. And it may be a hopeless fight, but if there's anything we've learned over the course of human history, it's that we have the power to radically change our environment and our own mode of being in order to accomplish that which was once thought impossible. Even I've changed radically from what I was five years ago...
I have been fearful in the past. I have fallen to obsession and lost my mind to both grief and fury. I have faced the monster within and fought it as it lashed out at those around me. I have lost faith and given up on myself and others. And, I have been unloving. I have hurt those who I claimed to love, and didn't listen and respect them in pursuit of personal selfish goals.
And even now I feel fearful as I think about even posting this, among other things. I can feel that same madness deep within, seeking for a moment of weakness to burst forth. I feel my faith and hope being challenged so often. And I know I am still learning to love.
This... this is my confession, the confession of my silence, and my flaming dedication to this world. And I know that this battle may require of me everything I have to offer. I know that in following it, I may have to give up old dreams of mine, like settling down and starting a family, much like the old monk at St.Benoit du Lac Monastery... But I will, because this world is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for. We are all worth fighting for. And whether or not you fight is up to you.
-Zero
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