“At
first, I wanted to escape reality. I wanted you there, and I wanted
it to be back to how it was before. I made it into radiant colors,
all of it, but that didn't help. I filled the silence with music, but
the emptiness grew when I tried to fight it. The more I tried to
escape it, the more it caught up. Eventually I gave up, and found the
world creating itself in this image. I knew what I had to do.”
Marie-Lynn paused. “It was torment to live in this house alone at
first. His pictures only reminded me of the day he died. Sometimes I
saw him, but I knew I was creating him. In time, he faded completely.
I guess it was like running. At first it's hard, but with time it
becomes easier and more natural. During the ninth year, I began
wandering. I wasn't sure why. I just wanted to. I followed a path,
any path, and never stopped. I felt adventurous, and almost found you
before I woke up. I know it sounds surprising. You look
confused. Well I'll tell you how I found that fire of yours. It
burned into the sky like a tower to Heaven. I did not recognize it at
first, but I tried to calm it down. I couldn't affect it in the
slightest. Nothing that I did changed it. Its yellow-orange flames
owned my sky. And then, I touched it. I woke up immediately as the
fire consumed me. Jesse, do you know how I knew it was you? You were
holding me and your skin felt like fire against mine. What's wrong?
You look upset?”
“It
all seems too easy for me. I go looking for you, you find me, and
then I come to your wedding, only to find out your fiance died on the
way. Then you bring me here, fall asleep, and wake up seemingly
better than ever. It's unbelievable. It's so...” I did not want to
finish the thought.
“It's
so unreal, isn't it? You know, without that world you taught me to
make, this might have been realistic. But I tasted reality, and it's
so frustrating how powerless it makes you feel. It's as if I can't do
anything. I'm not like you. I can't travel wherever whenever I want.
I don't get most of what I want. Why do we value reality? Because it
precedes us and will out-live us? No matter what we do, everything
will be destroyed in time. Wouldn't you rather centuries of happiness
than a lifetime of misery? Wouldn't you trade this world for your
own?” I was conflicted. The Marie-Lynn who had left was not the
same as the one who returned. They contradicted each other, and I had
no idea which to listen to. I suppose I've already revealed which I
came to side with.
“I
can't live in eternal happiness, Marie-Lynn. Before you and before
Kim, I didn't even know what it meant to suffer. I was always content
without understanding what exactly I had. A high mark on a quiz for a
struggling student means a lot more than a high mark for a student
who does so without trouble. I could have been a rock with a
consciousness because I could not feel happiness or sadness. As much
as I love you, and as much as you've shown me plenty of suffering, I
don't want to let that go. There are types of suffering you may never
be able to show me. You and Kim taught me heartbreak, but I know
there is so much more to than the world than that. You know these
things, and I want to learn them first hand. My world is sealed off.
But I won't say anything against you living in your world. Maybe
I'll join you from time to time. How does that sound?”
“It
sounds like a deal.” We shook hands on it from across the table. It
was always nice to meet her skin. Marie-Lynn, being her unpredictable
self, did not let go once the deal was sealed. Her hazel eyes would
not leave mine alone, and I felt a yearning, both hers and mine.
Simultaneously we tugged at each other's arms, taking aim as we came
together, and making a mess of things. Our lips pressed with a
passion only timeless lovers could know. I wonder if she would have
chosen differently if she had known her future with me.
When
we pulled apart, we were utterly in love with the future that we
would never have. My hands were stained with the blood that had not
yet flowed. I could not see it then, but now it is all I can see. The
ink I write with is best described as stolen from the injured.
It
is hard to relate what followed that kiss without a thick veil of
nostalgia covering it. But this is my final duty, and so I will
continue. We were secret lovers for six months, and then we began
dating as if those six months had never existed. We still received
comments about the quick nature of our relationship. My parents even
expressed a worry that surrounded the idea that I was being
manipulated by Marie-Lynn. Sometimes, in the nights we spent apart, I
began to believe these comments. I was horribly torn between what I
thought was true and what my parents thought was true. As bad as this
was, her glowing smile always sent it away. Not all my worries went
away around her, though. Her first departure haunted me with
dreadfully good timing. It always struck when she did not wish to
share her thoughts. I loved being wrong. Another six months passed and I moved in
with her. Once again, there was an abundance of remarks regarding the
speed of our relationship, but we had gotten used to them by that
point. We even started laughing in response, knowing that we had
spent more time together than any of them had spent living. We knew
more about each other than they did themselves. And yet, Marie-Lynn
still did things I could not predict. And, of course, I still evaded
her understanding. All of eternity could never make two people fully
and completely understand each other. Otherwise, her grave would not
lie next to me.
It
is strange to place that entire year into a simple paragraph. For all
that happened, from the fights to the bedroom, all I could say is
hardly worth a short story. The days we spent together, experiencing
reality as best we could, were often followed by decades of
dream-wandering. There was a lot of talking and a lot of silence.
Sometimes we would not talk for days. Other times, we would spend
weeks inseparable from each other. In hindsight, it was uninterrupted
bliss.
That
is, until the revolution began.
-Zero
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