Wanderer's Journal #18

     It was a while before I thought of recording the events of my life and most of them for a few months were forgotten. It's funny how some people can just forget, but all I can remember is what I wish I would forget.

      It's no secret that I had feelings for multiple girls within the years that I am writing about, but even you shouldn't forget about the one who inspired it all. Marie-Lynn, the beautiful flame-headed girl, inspired it and I do believe that it is my duty to stay faithful to that for as long as I can manage. I did end up murdering her after all. The least I could do is immortalize my love through these pages that will probably be lost to the winds with me. My time draws near, it seems. Soon these entries will cease and my record will stop. Perhaps there is an after life. Perhaps I'll see Marie-Lynn there. I wonder if there is forgiveness left in her heart...

      At this point in my entries exactly a year has passed since I met Marie-Lynn. We didn't talk anymore and my dreams had faded into nothingness. There was a while since the girl with eyes as dark as night tormented my dreams. She drove me insane, but I found an escape. Soon the goddess lost her divine grace and she became human once more. Of course she faded from my dreams and my life because of that. I hadn't been able to return to my world since, though. It was saddening that I could no longer escape to a world entirely my own. I had been dealing with reality and things had gotten much harder. I was so used to being able to take my time with everything, but now I felt rushed. I began to miss Marie-Lynn dreadfully because she provided me with an escape. The conflicts I had with her never really meant anything. They were just petty jealousy things and paranoid illusions. But she was worlds away, even if she was right beside me. 

      I couldn't bring myself to feel the same way as I did with her ever again. There was something different about her. An instant connection that we shared and, even to this day, it is a connection that I've only ever experienced with her.

      I began studying film to distract me from the thoughts of her, but quickly I found myself thinking of her anyways. Kar-Wai became my favorite director, mostly because of his movies "In the Mood for Love" and "2046". Two aspects popped out at me and made me wonder about my relationship with Marie-Lynn, that instant connection. The first was the idea that love never comes on time and that it always comes too early or too late. This struck me deep, but not as deep as the second concept did. The second idea is that once you fall in love, you can't replace that person. It hit deep because all throughout "2046" Mr.Chow was trying to replace Mrs.Chan, but never succeeded and gave up on love. He just became a ladies man and had a bunch of one night stands to fill that appetite for something more that he had. It angered me so much and now that I look back on it... I realize that it angered me because I saw myself in Mr.Chow and I just wanted to slap myself out of it. Of course, neither of us were slapped out of it and maybe it's for the better. You never know. I wanted to scream "Go after her if you love her!" at him, but I knew he wouldn't. He would just sit down and write about sex because that distracted him from the pain. I wanted to punch him and tell him "go write that martial arts novel!" but of course I was telling myself to start recording the events of my life once more. So here I am, listening to my own frustrated thoughts.

      I'll be honest though. I was never sure if I was ever going to see Marie-Lynn again. I was even less sure if our lips would meet again like they did the summer before. In all that madness, perhaps a little truth did come out. I never really found out how she felt that night. I know how I did. Is it too late to go back to my world and hide?

-Zero