Wanderer's Journal #17

It was her smile that pulled me back into the darkness. The night-eyed girl showed the warmest smile one day. I don't believe it had anything to do with me, but it was pointed in my direction. Quickly I succumbed to the insanity, but this time was far more gentle. I have still yet to figure out what I felt for her. It was like something I could never hope to escape, and something I've never experienced before. It was comfortably warm at times and frozen as ice at others. I was never sure what she wanted, what she felt, or even what she saw. Uncertainty enveloped her like a black silk shawl.

It became hard to balance reality with the muddied conception of reality that I had created. I was a slave to the ideas that I hated, and violently rejected. This gentle feeling that numbed my violent rage quickly became the very source of it. It's crazy in itself, becoming maddened by the very thing that was keeping you calm. But the beast had stirred in me, not interested in keeping calm. I overheard my name coming from her direction one day and became interested in what the conversation was about. I listened in and it sounded like they were discussing me. This angered me, for the ones she was asking were not my friends, nor knew anything about me. They were invalid sources, who knew only what they could see of me. What I portrayed myself to be to others has never been a truly reliable way to tell who I was.


Soon, though, this anger faded, but it didn't fade alone. It took my feelings for the night-eyed girl with them and my life regained its small amount of sanity. My mind had a moment of complete freedom, but I felt like I was missing something. I went off to find it, but the exact details are no longer in my memory. All I know is that what I found was there all along. I found that I was, in fact, just trying to replace something that I had lost, but that's a story for another entry.

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Sorry for the length, but I hadn't been writing it at all and this night-eyed girl thing really wasn't working for me. I guess I have to focus on my inspiration. I had forgotten who inspired this story for the longest time. Oh well, I won't forget again. Wanderer's Journal #18 will be up on the twelfth.

-Zero