Toby,
I'm sorry. You deserved so much better
than anything I could have given you. I'm a fuck-up and I always have
been. You're the only person besides my mother who has looked at me
like I am an oasis in the middle of a desert. But you're both wrong.
I'm nothing and you should have never loved me. You and I both knew
eventually this would happen. I spent half my time slowly killing
myself. And I know if you're reading this that I succeeded.
I want you to know that I love you so
much. I know it was always a pain to get me to say it, but that's
because I didn't want you to get too attached. You're amazing and
deserve the best the world could offer. And yet you chose me when you
should have left. I never did understand why. Every time I asked, you
would just scoff, kiss me, and say, “if only you knew how amazing
you really are.” I hope now you realize that I was right, that I
was a lost cause and not worth your love. You should just forget
about me. I'm not worth your grief...
Love,
Lily
Dear Lily,
I found your letter a couple hours
ago. You've been gone for a year now and it took everything in me to
finally go through your things. Imagine my surprise when I found a
letter addressed to me in an envelope marked “to be opened in case
of death.” That letter is the last of your words I have from you,
and it's filled with self-loathing. And I know you'll never read
these words, not unless you're watching down on me from some sort of
afterlife. But I still have to write them. I can't let you have the
last word on this. Not this time.
I wish you could understand how great
you truly were. You were a drug addict, sure, without many prospects.
You had a short fuse and bad spending habits. Worst of all, you never
gave yourself a sliver of hope. You were set on the idea that
you were worthless and there was no way to change that. But the truth
remains that you had inherent worth and there was a way out.
I guess I never got through to you. I
wanted to replace the face you saw in the mirror with the face I saw
when you would look at your little brother, or when you would talk
about your mother. I wish you could have seen the light that poured
out of you when you were sober and singing to your heart's content.
You spoke like all you were was your worst, but the truth is that
even I saw you at your best, as rare as it was. If you had believed
me, maybe we'd both be alive and happy.
I chose you because I could see
through your suffering to the wonderful woman trapped within. I
stayed because I could see her trying to get out and she needed help.
But most of all, I stayed because I sincerely and truly do love you,
and loving someone means sticking with them through the ups and
downs. Love is an act, a choice, and I will never regret choosing
you.
The time we shared was wrought with
struggles. Sometimes my frustration with your addiction would cause
us to fight, and sometimes you would disappear for days on end
chasing whatever high you could find. But I want you to know that I
am forever grateful for the time that I spent with you. You were, you
are, far from a waste of time. I just wish that I had more time with
you.
Lily, I miss you. I miss how you used
to steal the blankets, and how sometimes you would kick me awake in
your sleep. I miss the way you clung to your energy drink during a
long day. I miss so many things. But most of all, I miss your voice.
The world feels so empty without you in it...
I could write for years to you, but
these papers are already stained with enough tears and I can barely
see anymore. I will always love you, and I will never forget you...
Goodbye, Lily...
Love,
Toby.
-Zero
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