November 23rd 2010 - Night of the First Dream
Last night I was tasked with a dream that threw my mind into chaos again. It wasn't like the other ones. No, this one had no conflict. It was strange. I'm so used to having people conflict in my dreams, that I guess I never thought that there might be one without conflict. Ironically, this dream has screwed me up more than the ones before it. In my past entries, you'll notice that everything tends to stay the same; same people, same places, same conflicts. I've gotten used to the routine. Last night broke that routine, introducing new people, places, and conflicts. Now the conflicts are within me. I dreamt of my ex, who will be referred to as "B" to avoid the possibility of anyone actually figuring out who she is. Before I scribble down the dream in this notebook, I should probably give more background information.
It all happened over the summer, right before school started. Things had been crazy, what with my inability to stick to one girl for longer than a week or so, and I commonly found myself at the local youth center. That's where I met B. She was cute, and I had seen her months before, but assumed she was with her boyfriend. This time, it was obvious that she was with her sisters and without a boyfriend. I'm starting to wonder if it would have been better if I had just walked away and never came back. But I didn't and here we are getting ready to describe a dream that has fucked me up even more. Anyways, B and I started dating, after, of course, I had broken through the icy walls of her heart. I never intended to hurt her, but I knew I would. Even before we dated, I knew. Maybe that should have been incentive to stop my pursuit of the poor girl, but I continued nonetheless, never taking a moment to think things over. Ironically, she would become one of my longest lasting girlfriends. She was sweet, nice and caring. I don't quite understand what caused me to become so distant from her, though. It happened one day, never letting me return and protect the thing we had. The more distant I grew, the more questions about the relationship I had. My friends, who I have learned are not as honest as they might think, inspired these questions. The relationship was thrown into turmoil and on our one month, I broke it off. I immediately hated myself for it, knowing that she would cry when she would get home. I knew that I became "like the rest" and that my life has just changed forever. The youth center became her place, only because she had more time for it than I did. Besides, she got there first. I stopped going, granting her the freedom of not seeing me everyday. The next time I went, she was found crying outside. I, of course, got yelled at by her sisters, who thought that I did something to B. I didn't though, and it kills me to know that my presence alone made her cry. I'm not heartless, just misguided.
Last night, I dreamt of B. She was crying. She was alone. I remember looking around, only to find an endless darkness surrounding us. I felt the urge to go over towards her, but I thought that I was the cause. I was torn between the two options. If I was the reason, was it my place to try and comfort her? Could I comfort her? The tears burn down her cheeks and suddenly I'm cradling her in my arms. "What happened?" I ask her, worried for her well-being. She stays quiet and continues crying. I bring her closer, holding her right next to my heart. We sit, rocking gently. I wasn't sure why she was crying, and found myself thinking that he new boyfriend had just broken up with her. I begin pitying her a little, only to find myself crying along with her, feeling her loss as my own. We hold each other in the caring embrace and find ourselves almost mocking a moment that we shared while we were together. That's when my alarm went off, waking me back up.
It's weird to have a dream like that. Seeming so short, but feeling so long. I'm starting to question myself.
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I thought that I would try a different type of story. First person, but through the format of a dream journal that he actually expects someone to read. I figured I'd use a date that was from when I was still in high school, just to give a larger sense of the past. Anyways, I really ought to be back to the editing of my completed Nanowrimo novel (yes, still bragging) "Love: A Chaotic Insanity."
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